Life as a LEO Wife

Solomon had it right. In Proverbs (ch.7 v.3, ch.3 v.3) he mentions several times that we should write the Word of God, His love, and our steadfast love, on the tablets of our hearts. Not our minds, our hearts. This resonates so much with me. I love the thought that there is no where I can go that I can’t access His Word. Nothing I can do can hide it from me. It’s always there, written on the tablet of my heart.

I’ll try to explain why I so deeply hold on to those thoughts. Little back story here. As a young child I was very healthy. I don’t even think I had an ear infection when I was a baby or toddler. When I’d get my vaccinations I would sniffle and say, “Jesus loves me, right Mommy? Jesus loves me.” That’s what she taught me, and I leaned on Him for something as small as a needle stick that would last a few seconds. I think God had her do that. He already knew I’d need it a lot later.

I didn’t get very sick until later, but I was already born with a severe genetic phagocytic neutrophil disorder. Neutrophils inside the white blood cells are made to basically swallow bacteria, viruses, and fungi, they then blast the invading sickness to kill them. It’s called hydroblasting. That’s how our body kills whatever is making us ill. In my case, they started ok, then I got mononucleosis. Unfortunately, that’s a disease that attacks the immune system. Most people can stay at home, rest a few days or few weeks and go back to normal life. I had to miss almost the entire 5th grade. Fast forward to 18 and I got bacterial meningitis, again attacking my immune system that’s barely hanging on. Here, I was at death’s door. Doctors prepared my family who responded that God has this. My family, friends, and church family gathered in the ICU waiting for two weeks and while I was fighting, they were praying. God showed up in a big way, because I should not be here. When my fever topped 105 during the meningitis, the blood brain barrier were compromised for good, which means diseases that shouldn’t be able to cross and medications that shouldn’t be able to pass but do. No good. Sometimes my voice goes out, not a lot, but it does. I take medication to control my body temperature. My heart races, resting rate on a ton of heart meds is about 135 bpm. My liver now super processes things out of my system way too fast so I’m maxed out on every medication I have to take. So now, my neutrophils are burned out; they have nothing left to give. That’s caused a domino effect in my body. I can’t fight anything. My body can’t even fight the bacteria that is normally in our mouths. Doctors have told me to make preparations for my youngest before I go. I hope I get to see him graduate, but I’m prepared for everything God has in store for me. If God is with me, what could stand against?

Now let me get on topic. More and more lately I’ll forget a word. It’s there, I know it is, but it won’t come out. I laugh and tell my husband, “That thing right there,” as I point to the dishwasher or something else. Many times I can pull a synonym for it. I used to remember all of my credit card numbers by heart. The other day, I kept having to go from app to app four to eight numbers at a time to put in my card number to pay for school supplies. This doesn’t sound like much, but I used to have to find smaller words to describe things at times for people to understand. I never got below an A in school (I’m definitely not bragging because that was ALL God’s doing, not mine). Going from that to having to hunt through my mind for what I mean is frustrating. However, I have not yet been unable to pull from the Word of God. Not once. Maybe not the exact King James’s Version with the “draweth” and “maketh.” But I hear and know what I need to at that exact moment I need it. It’s usually from the English Standard Version. I grew up with KJV, so it took me a while to allow myself read another version. But then I thought who cares what version, because as Jesus said in John 10:27, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” I hear His voice. I try to follow Him as best I can, yet I’m human and so completely fallible and sinful. Thanks to Jesus, my sins are covered by His blood so that I could know and be with the Father, who cannot look on sin! There are so many verses that the Holy Spirit brings forth in my mind from the tablet of my heart when I need them. At the beginning of the year, my pain was so severe. I wondered if I could make it through. Wondered if God would step in and heal me. Then BOOM, there it was, 2 Corinthians 12:9. Paul speaking, saying, “But he (Jesus) said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” I had to apologize to God telling him that I know He’s in control. Then I had a really difficult surgery that took about six to eight hours longer than it should have, and when I woke up I was in agony. I kept saying and thinking I can’t do this. I thought, “Ok God, please take me home now.” He said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13. The other day I thought, “What is going to happen in this crazy world next?” He said, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts are than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9.” When my kids complain that they’re tired and they don’t want to wake up early on their school off day, I think, am I screwing up? Will they be saved before this ugly, sinful, backward world gets to them? I pray daily about it. Then God reminds me that His Word will not return void (Isaiah 55:11). He tells me that keeping them in church to hear the Word and giving it to them at home isn’t for nothing. His Word is growing in their little hearts. Thinking about how the world is backward scares me, and I fear for our lives and our spirits, especially the kids, and it’s hard. He tells me not to worry, He’s already overcome the world (John 16:33). My favorite passage that pops in my minda lot lately is 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 about Jesus calling us with a shout to meet Him in the air. It makes me excited and I don’t think He’s going to wait too much longer to call us!

I’d like to add that none of this took place on its own. God didn’t just write all of these things down and magically put them in my brain or heart. I’ve studied and as I read I ask God to write it on the tablet of my heart. I was taken to church as a child, and when I was seven I spoke to God and Jesus and told them I knew He died for me, and I was a sinner, and that I wanted to become a child of God. I went to pray at the altar, then my mom took me to tell our pastor that I’d just been saved. He asked me when I talked to Jesus, if I’d felt like fireworks were going off in my chest. I shook my head no and He chuckled. I was 7 so I knew it was not good if fireworks went off in your chest. I was sure I wouldn’t have survived that so if fireworks had gone off, I’d already be with Jesus. So I told him no and waited for him to tell the congregation the wonderful news. It was after all the most wonderful news one could ever receive. If you, dear reader, don’t have a relationship with Jesus, I’d like to encourage you to read His word, ask questions, listen intently. I want everyone to come to heaven with me. But I know we have free will and not everyone makes the choice to become a child of God. I want you there. Ask a pastor, a saved family member or friend, “What does it mean to be saved?” If you’re not comfortable to ask someone, read John 3:16. It says that God loves us so much, so deep, that He allowed His own Son to come to this imperfect world and die for you. For YOU! He would’ve still died even if you were they only one to ever accept Him. Nothing you’ve ever done will cause Him to not hear you or turn away. When you say the words, however you want to put it, you’ve sinned, because we’re all imperfect, that you believe Jesus is God’s Son, essentially God in flesh, and you want to be saved, then it’s done. You’re His forever!

It boggles the mind to think that God can instill us, when we try and want to, His Word so deeply that it’s always right here when we need it. Above are just a few examples of what I’m talking about. Even though things slip through my mind like a sieve at times, His Word remains. It’s steadfast, it’s permanent. It’s written on the tablet of my heart. This morning in church our pastor spoke a bit about how God told Jeremiah how he was going to make a new covenant with His people. He was going to put the law within us and write it on the tablet of our hearts (Jeremiah 31:31-34). He did just that through Christ Jesus. Jesus covered our sins with His blood, which allowed the Holy Spirit to live within each one of us. I still love the feeling when I can feel God’s presence. I felt it this morning in church and I felt Him and His prompting about this topic. He gave me the title. And if I had any question left that if this is what He wanted me to write, this was the verse of the day on my YouVersion Bible app, right on my home screen, “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:11. My memory is sometimes terrible, yet The Word, God’s Word, remains.

If you like this post, please share it on whatever social media you’d like to. Follow me on Pinterest, at theleowifelife. I also have a group on Facebook. Feel free to join, it’s called Life as a LEO Wife. Comment below & let me know any scriptures that come to you when you need them!